Leaving again?

Odysseus put the odyssey in odyssey.  He’d finally made it home: to his wife and son and father and dog.  But then he’s called to a second journey.

This second journey was not across water but to the mainland and a journey inland, or, we may say, inward.

Myths hold before us the great Human narrative of life and death, with all its inexplicable and paradoxical content.  Through these stories we make sense of who we are and the Human journey.  Appreciating their generalities rather than their specificities, we understand them to be as powerful as ever.

I’ve often seen myself as on a “slow journey in the same direction,” not a linear one but leading me somewhere.  Just recently I’ve come upon my own myth-like elements in this.  I recently wrote about an old gentleman visited in hospital who told me how he voted for me to go into training for the work at the same meeting he was retiring at.  Two days ago, he died – some thirty six years after he voted for me.  At the same time, I realise I have a second journey to make.  I am thankful for this man’s graceful life and how he shared these things with me in the last few days.

I don’t know what Odysseus must have felt like as he set out again.  Had he hoped for a Happy Ever After ending?  Do I?  Or do I relish the opportunity of doing what I love to do which takes me on again.*

‘Wisdom unleashed our capacity to create the good.  Wisdom not only sees the good that must be done now, but catalyses such events that result in a good future.’**

(*It might be some difficult thing which awakens us to the second journey.  Quoting Barack Obama’s 2008 election advisor Rahm Emanuel, Ryan Holiday brings encouragement in this direction: “You never want to let a serious crisis go to waste. … A crisis provides the opportunity for us to do the things that you could not do before” – The Obstacle is the Way.)
(**From Erwin McManus’s Uprising.)

Are proactive characters.

Rather than waiting for things to happen to them, they make their move.

Towards movement, they have a true understanding of who they are and what they can do – neither inflated or deflated; they know the true value of their resources; and, they daily figure out ways of expressing themselves around the purpose they’ve come to know their life must be about.

‘We have significantly more influence over the direction and outcomes of our lives than we realise.’*

Hopeful seekers are pursuing what Richard Rohr has called the second half of life.  They have come to the place of knowing the purpose or call of their lives; from a first half of life perspective, this can seem risky and scary, but from this new place of seeing risky and scary is staying where they are: ‘Seeking things was risky.  But no longer.  Now, of course, safe is risky.’**

This is not to say the hopeful seeker will not find herself in a struggle, but hope is born of adversity.

‘Adversity can harden you.  Ot it can loosen you up and make you better – if you let it.’^

I’ve seen people go through difficult things and become controlling and cautious.   I’ve also seen people see these as opportunities needed to step into what they really want to be about.

Dan Ariely writes about how people can be blind-sided by FREE!  It’s connected with loss-aversion.  We are more inclined not to lose something than to gain something, but FREE! is loss-free, is risk-free, is fear-free.  Or is it?  If we’ve been blind-sided, to jump may be the wisest option.

The hopeful seeker understands her hope ‘isn’t an emotion, it’s a way of thinking or  cognitive process.  She progresses by setting realistic goals, exercising her ability to figure out how to get to these, and believes she is able to.^^

‘Hope is learned.’^^

Here are some questions to explore:
If hope is a thinking process of setting realistic goals, figuring out how to reach them, and believing in your ability, do you believe you could learn hope?
How has a difficult experience made you stronger?  (Break it down to identify your learnings and how you changed as a result.)
Whatever is on your mind at the moment, what would it look like if you doodled it?

(*From Sunni Brown’s The Doodle Revolution.  So too, the quote in today’s cartoon.)
(**From Seth Godin’s Whatcha Gonna Do With That Duck?)
(^From Ryan Holiday’s The Obstacle is the Way.)
(^^From Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly.)

Is a young child.

Their brains are still growing, connecting, and with their developing language skills, they can ask question after question about everyone and everything.  They do not have categories and labels for much of what they see and feel and hear and smell, so they explore.

Comparatively, adults have categorised and labelled much of their world, and have no need of more searching questions.  What we know as adults, in the language of Dan Ariely, might be understood to be “anchors.”  How we believe, belong, and behave are governed by these anchors of seeing and understanding which, Ariely claims, are difficult to break away from, once established.

One of the things Ariely observed in his research was how people could trade a more valuable something for a less valuable something because its starting (anchor) price was set low – finding it difficult to ignore once established.  What if we are vulnerable, then, to valuing our past over our future?  Anticipating more of what has already been, rather than the possibility of something new.

Questions disrupt the hold anchors on us.

The problem, though, is most of us  stop our expansive questioning at an early age.  Some educationalists believe teaching children information before they’ve asked their questions could be a factor in this.  There’s also a big difference between feeling able to ask a question in a home environment and in a class environment.  However, when children’s natural curiosity isn’t inhibited or burdened with information, they appear more creative and curious.

There also appears to be a link between the reduction in children’s questions and their engagement in education.  And what about adults, then?  If I am not able to ask my questions, follow my curiosities, then am I unable to delve deeper into something I otherwise would want to, and I disengage?

We need better questions to lead us toward better solutions necessary to the problems and needs around us.

The good thing is, we can develop our curiosity and our questioning; we can, in this way, become children again.  And when we find one another in this, hope is born, a different future promises to emerge:

“Three can become a full-fledged conspiracy.”*

Any questions?

(*Organisational developer Richard Beckhard, quoted in Peter Senge’s The Necessary Revolution.)

We cannot join what we are already participating in:

‘The first half of life is discovering the script, and the second half is actually writing and owning it.’*

These two lives are not made up of years so much as experiences.  Because of the things we have been curious in, the skills we have honed, the experiences we have lived, there is something which emerges for us, something which comes to us.  Martin Seligman thinks of this as a mystical thing and uses an old term:

‘Vocation – being called to act rather than choosing to act – is an old word, but it is a real thing.’**

Seligman is describing how positive psychology chose him rather than he chose it.

This has been described by others in various ways, for example, Ken Robinson speaking of our element^ and Otto Scharmer describing the emergence of our future Self – out of the practices of presencing: opening our mind and opening our heart^^ – what Rohr would name the first life.

Integrity is more than honesty and transparency, it is also about connection: inwardly and outwardly.  The second life Rohr speaks of, or the opening of our wills as Scharmer says, is about all things lining up towards a purpose, and with this, comes hope.

Some discover this at a young age.  I believe I’ve discovered mine in middle age and it’s why I’m a dream whisperer, listening for what a person’s life is asking of them – it’s what I MUST do.  I have shared conversations with people who have given in and embraced their life’s call, but also with many who haven’t – showing how it can be hard to step upon a new road, even if it’s one we’ve prepared for ourselves.

So, I wonder, what are the whispers of your life calling you to?

‘We persevere in the confidence that we ourselves are being transformed.  Perseverance produces character, and character hope.  And hope, we will discover, is the ultimate gift gained in wisdom.’*^

‘So get ready for some new freedom, some dangerous permission, some hope from nowhere, some unexpected happiness, some stumbling stones, some radical grace, and some new and pressing responsibility for yourself and for our suffering world.’*

(*From Richar Rohr’s Falling Upward.)
(**From Martin Seligman’s Flourish.)
(^Ken Robinson’s The Element.)
(^^Otto Scharmer’s Theory U.)
(*^From Erwin McManus’s Uprising.)

Is not the same as belonging.

Sometimes we can be so grateful for being allowed in and to be accepted we’re prepared to fit in.  But it comes at a cost.  We never really belong, if belonging is ‘the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us.’*

“We need you to be like us.”

Sometimes it’s been said to me outright, more often it’s been a subliminal message: We need you to fit in, otherwise we have nowhere for someone like you.  

Belonging is being welcomed and accepted for being who you are.

We need to have different perspectives on our world and work, not only the one: some companies bring in new employs because they’re different and not to fill a role.  This is the genius of each bringing their unique perspective to the whole:

”Merciless criticism often makes us dig in our heels in defiance, or worse, makes us helpless.  We don’t change.  We do change, however, when we discover what is best about ourselves and when we have specific ways to use our strengths more.”**

Tina Seelig suggests art ‘is about how to observe the world with great attention to detail, to internalise those observations, and then to give expression to them in the chosen medium.’^

Each of us is capable of creating worlds of belonging rather than those others are expected to fit into: worlds were people can be more who they are and not less.

It won’t be easy to change the fitting-in culture, though Ryan Holiday offers a helpful move from the world of martial arts.  When asked to belong, our impulse is to give in or push back, but if we’re to create belonging we must pull instead: ‘We can’t push back, we have to pull until our opponents lose their balance.  Then we make our move.’^^

Except we’re not trying to over-balance our opponent, but enable everyone to find their true balance – more of a dance, really.

(*From Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly.)
(**Appreciate Inquiry’s founder David Cooperrider, quoted in Martin Seligman’s Flourish.)
(^From Tina Seelig’s Ingenius.  Seelig is identifying the same moves as Theory U: observing, presencing, identifying, creating.)
(^^From Ryan Holiday’s The Obstacle is the Way.)

3:1 is good.  5:1 would be better.

These are ratios of positive to negative input we need for our lives to be healthy.  3:1 is just the right side of healthy/unhealthy.  When we slip below this,* things begin to get toxic.

When it comes to my work of dreamwhispering,** I’m seeking to bring positive and encouraging whispers (thin|silences) into a person’s life, not in some fictitious way, but refocusing on their good, even great, talents and passions and experiences.

‘When we feel good about the choices we’re making and when we’re engaging with the world from a place of worthiness rather than scarcity, we feel no need to judge and attack.’^

We give one another a better chance to flourish when we recognise who we each are and what we each can do.  We’re really expressing faith in each other – faith as a future-orientated sense – to be the very best we can be.  We can add to one another’s sense of disconnection and unworthiness and emptiness, or we can build each other up with our whispers.  We’re not looking for perfection or completeness, but enoughness: ‘Think progress, not perfect.’^^

In the same way as there is no future, there is no past.  But there are possible futures whilst there’s no returning to the past.

Peter Senge offers animateur as the name for the person who ‘seeks to bring systematic change … someone who “brings to life” a new way of thinking, seeing, or interacting that creates focus and energy.’*^  Whilst Senge is thinking of the professional person who steps in-between business and the environment to create new ways forward, his animateur is something we can all aspire to.

(*According to Martin Seligman in his book Flourish, in the United States, ‘Law is the profession with the highest depression, suicide, and divorce rates,’ as litigation requires they are fighting all the time.)
(**You can find out more about this at geoffreybaines.com.)
(^From Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly.)
(^^From Ryan Holiday’s The Obstacle is the Way.)
(*^From Peter Senge’s The Necessary Revolution.)

So begins the game of hide of seek.  The counting’s over and the warning is given by the seeker to those those trying to hide.

Of course, there’s always at least one who’s not ready.

But this game is different.

You’re the seeker, coming whether you’re ready or not.

‘How old will you be before your ready?’*

You’ll never be ready the way you think you need to be; of course, this also can mean you’re ready right now.

‘We can and always should act with those three traits [hark work, honest, and helping others as best we can] – no matter the obstacle.’**

This is a journey of moving from potential to productivity, and the key to this is in the detail, in the small things.  When you turn up, do the hard work to hone your skill and make your art, when you’re honest about why you do this to yourself and others, and when you offer for the making of a better world, you’re ready.

Who you are now is where you begin: being faithful to your enough-ness gives your imagination the best chance it can have.

Who you’re becoming is your future.

“Do I dare disturb the universe?”^

(*Seth Godin, in 99U’s Make Your Mark.)
(**From Ryan Holiday’s The Obstacle is the Way.)
(^T.S. Eliot, quoted at the close of 99U’s Make Your Mark.)

The stories the speakers told were amazing and challenging.

I found myself feeling glad and guilty at the same time, admiring and resentful, and the question in my head: “So, what are you doing?”

There’re stories we tell ourselves which can stir up the mess from the past we carry around: we’re stifled, suffocated, even paralysed by this.  I found myself reflecting on what I was experiencing.

‘Why are stories this way instead of all the other ways they could be?  I think that problem structure reveals a major function of storytelling.  It suggests that the human mind was shaped for story, so that it could be shaped by story.’*

We’re both immersed in stories and producers of stories.  To put it another way, stories happen to us and we make stories happen.  This is a creative, generative tension of the life we find ourselves in.  Because there are so many stories coming at us, we need to become masterful tellers of our own story.

On the one hand, Dan Ariely iterates how we’re comparison creatures, ‘always looking at things around us in relation to others.’**  On the other hand, we’re capable of doing, making, or living something which is incomparable:

‘Art is a leap into the void, a chance to give birth to your genius and make magic whether was no magic before.’^

If I know my own story then I can be open to the stories of others, not being submerged beneath them, but receiving them as gifts to inform my story through their challenge and inquiry.

Dave Logan, John King, and Halee Fischer-Wright identify “tribes” of people they find in the workplace, each having a mantra: Life sucks, My life sucks, I’m great, We’re great, Life is great.  Each of these is a story people are telling themselves.  The authors believe we can move from one experience to another, we can move from story to better story.^^

As I the speakers and their stories, I couldn’t help but think people are amazing.

(*From Jonathan Gottschall’s The Storytelling Animal.)
(**From Dan Ariely’s Predictably Irrational.)
(^From Seth Godin’s The Icarus Deception.)
(Tribal Leadership by Dave Logan, John King, and Halee Fischer-Wright.)

Or, organising our lives to dare greatly.

I love David Marquet‘s dream:

‘But wouldn’t it be amazing if we could somehow encourage acts of greatness?  Not order them, but create an environment where people feel they can embrace the superhero within and achieve great things.’*

Marquet suggests we tend to overestimate what our instincts nudge us to do and underestimate what our environments push us to do.

Whilst I believe we can learn to listen to and empower our whispering instincts far more than we do, Marquet is absolutely right about the power of environment and context.  How these work together for us is critical.

‘Let me start with a fundamental observation: most people don’t know what they want unless they see it in context.’**

‘In short, regardless of genre, if there’s no knotty problem, there is no story.’^

Two important suggestions for creating environments.

Dan Ariely points to a positively loaded environment opens up what people are able to see and imagine for themselves.  Jonathan Gottschall identifies what is necessary for us to be engaged in a story – a problem becomes the context for the age-old Human struggle with adversity.

Gottschall refers to a form of writing which is boringly disengaging: hyperrealism aims to present life as we live it.  But knotty problems will always be with us, we can reframe or storify the way we see and understand our lives to be the superheroes Marquest imagines.

Those who write or present TED talks or give their lives to a cause are all environmental and context people we can benefit from to shape new environments for ourselves and for one another.

Characteristics of storifying include faithfulness to unlock our talents and resources, perseverance as the key to grow our connection to others our world and our dreams and to recognise our enough-ness, and, wisdom as the way of actioning courage and generosity: the right things done for the right people for the right reasons in the right ways at the right time.

You can begin storifying your life today by picking up a book, watching a TED talk, or connecting with someone to dream together.  Respect the process:

‘The process is the voice that demands we take responsibility and ownership.  That prompts us to act if only in a small way.’^^

(*From 99U’s Make Your Mark.  Another good source for nature and nurture working together is David Shenk’s The Genius in All of Us.)
(**From Dan Ariely’s Predictably Irrational.)
(^From Jonathan Gottschall’s The Storytelling Animal.)
(^^From Ryan Holiday’s The Obstacle is the Way.)

There is more to you than meets the eye.

‘The human heart is a theatre of longings.’*

Perhaps the deepest of all Human longings are for honour, nobility, and enlightenment.

We want to be known as trustworthy and loyal, compassionate and giving, with what we know and how we live being one.

I’ll have the opportunity to recognise the dignity of each person I meet today, if appropriate to open my heart to them, and, even to do something for them – something Nipun Mehta names giftivism: the practice of radically generous acts which change the world.’**

Recognising the dignity of another and acting compassionately towards them allows hope to be awakened or reawakened – not only in our world and in the world of another but also in myself.  These are quiet virtues but they are threatening to the way things are.  Ignoring the voices of judgement, cynicism, and fear, we move from being blind to someone to noticing them, from being indifferent towards them to connecting with them, and from being protective to being generous: hope will be born.

If we think we are coming upon an answer, we’ll be disappointed.  When we determine to live in this way, questions proliferate.

In noticing, we begin to ask Why?  

When we draw close to what, we see we ask What if?  

When captured by hope, we ask How?

The alternative requires less effort and enthusiasm, of course, but who wants a world which stings with judgement, cynicism, and fear?

I’m reminded how the Hebrew word for wind ruach can also mean courage.  Perhaps the whispers of our deepest longings, coming from within, are little courage breaths.

There is more to you than meets the eye.  Listen for the whispers.

(*From John O’Donohue’s Eternal Echoes.)
(**From Nipun Mehta’s TED talk Designing For Generosity.  He outlines four movements being necessary to this: consumption to contribution; transaction to trust; isolation to community; and, scarcity to abundance.)